More Random Thoughts...

Thoughts...

Many have asked why I am on this journey, many ask if I'm raising money for something or riding for a cause. The true answer is I'm riding for myself! I have had such an interesting time over the last two years and this is my story...
Raised in Kansas with little memories of my childhood, the memories I can recall are those of positive notes with the negative ones blocked, however not all. The middle child with two siblings, an older brother and younger sister. Raised in small communities throught the state of Kansas throughout my youth up to till the age of seven from what I can recall. Moving lots, I'm assuming to financial reasons. I was really active as a kid and really gravitated towards sports, assuming my parents directed my attention towards that direction to cage the energy I had. I have really no idea on what type of kid I was, however again I am assuming that I was a kid with a lot of energy, I only assume this becuase as an adult I have a lot of energy!
Parents from what I recalled did a pretty good j0b raising us kids with the financial resourses at hand, however I can't recall much. I think I have selective memory due to all the pain my parents divorce has caused me at the early age of seven years old. Torn between parents, however with one eventually giving up on all parental responsibilities at a young age was tough. No father figure until my Mom remarried again around my age of eleven or twelve.
I wouldn't exactly classify my childhood as bad by any means, it was on the lower income side of things however as I don't recall really taking a vacation besides heading to the grandparents house a few hours north of the small town the three of us were raised in. The next father figure that came into my life had pretty good potential, however again divorce. The divorce happened when I was long out of the house but it still had an affect on me to today. The financial situation improved, but again things were still not complete in my mind for my family's situation.
Considered broken in my mind till this day I wonder if we will ever be whole? The history of my childhood is another story, the real story that has put me on this trip true has residual emotions and feelings that spawned from my childhood, however my real change in diretion occurred August 11th, 2008.

Having put myself through college while playing college baseball and working, true there was a little financial support there, pell grants, loans, a small amount from my step-dad of $100 dollars a month. Very grateful for all the financial support along the journey I have always wanted to experience college with a clean slate financially so I can focus on my education and not be strapped with all the other distractions of life. To be a true thinker, to study a trade and become someone with the worries of financial stress. The childhood I can remember was one of little opportunities, as I have matured I love opportunities and choices. I guess this is really no different than anyone in the world we live with. However the thing about me, I'm over the material things that money can buy! I just want to make difference while I'm here on this planet with the blessings God has provided me and that is what I'm trying to do on this trip! (A trip for me to find three things if God presents them! 1. Place to call home 2. Employment that I'll enjoy 3. Love of my life (again only if God provides)...

On August 11th, 2008 I wake and do my normal routine before I head into the office. Knowing there is turmoil in the company I head into the office. Once in the office I can tell something is wrong! People are packing boxes and a few are crying, this is not something you typically see in a corporate setting of a company that brings in 500+ million in revenue a year, with a holding company that brings in 18 billion a year. Typical day would be busy of phone calls, pushing paper, meetings, and your occasional stop to the break room for a short break to catch up with those you see on a daily basis. This was not the case today, today was what I like to call "Black Monday" a letting of hundreds of employees because the CEO of the company made a wrong bet on oil. Nothing like shorting oil at $130 a barrel with the price still rising, peaking at $170 a barrel. With no liquidity available and the CEO getting called on his margin as its time for the blood letting.

First to go the Marketing department, which I had transferred into a little over a year before to work with my Masters in Economics. I sat on this degree for two years before wanting to get a shot in another roll after being with the same company for eight years within the technical department. What a mistake this will turn out to be! I didn't think I would let go, however I was called in and the gavel had fallen. All within two hours of being at the office, I lost my salary, my athletic sponsorship, cell phone and laptop computer (small, however my connection to the outside world). I shake hands with my superior and then head back to my cube to pack boxes and collect as much contact information as possible and head out. The day was raining, one of those hard rains with the dark gloomy feeling and I had drove my jeep to work that morning with the top down, it started raining after I had arrived and figured the jeep would be dry by the time I got off work at 5, again however that wasn't the case.

Driving home in the rain with boxes filled, getting drentched as I drove I wasn't sure what to think or what I was going to do. I had saved enough money over the last ten years to get by for a while however I was not feelin good. With a mortgage and a car payment, just bought a car about six months ago, six months after I started my new position to ensure my economic situation was suitable for such an endeavor. My expenses were great so I thought, of course they were with my employment, however things have made a drastic change for the worse.

With my first Ironman on the horizon in three weeks, how am I supposed to deal with this stress when I'm trying to qualify for Hawaii? Is the race even worth it any more? What's imporatant, give upon live pursuits and get back to looking for work during some of the most historical worst econmic conditions since the Great Depression. What am I to do? I assess the situation and realized the finances won't last much longer if I don't get back to work. On top of all that's going on, my Mom moved in with me about six months ago after her second divorced was finalized as her situation isn't much better than mine now.

What a great storm I have rolled into. Reminds me of the movie the "Perfect Storm" when all the storms collide at once. Lossing my job, taking care of my Mom, and about to race my first Ironman. I was able to put things on hold mentally and focus on my Ironman, however the subconsious stress was still present. Traveling out to Kentucky I'm looking foward to what I have worked so hard for over the last two years, so much work has gone into my training. So many sacrifices and so much lost during my training. I show up to Kentucky and the host that put me up are great, I couldn't ask for such a better host!

Prepping mentally and trying to block out all that has happened was hard, and I was doing it on my own. During my training I lost what I thought was a great gal which left me a lone, I was able to use this energy to focus on my training, however I loearned training upset/mad wasn't healthy so I tried to let that go, however all this stress has built up and now its time to preform at my best for one of the most important things I thought I had going at the time. What a skewed version I had, a race being the most important, however at the time things were going great and I was thinking lets do this so I can say I've raced there. I've always been in pursuits of pushing my body physically so why not I thought. (Boy have things changed now!)
The day before the race a "Great" friend of mine came out to support me during the race and to help with the drive home. Sean Stevens is one of the most exceptional young men I have ever met in my life, a training partner, mentor, and truly a great friend for life! We hang out and for a little then I go off to be alone, to focus to mentally prepare for what I have worked so hard for, sacrificing so much. (Training for an event like this is again another story!)

Race day, everything goes as planned leading up to the race, however I did forget my nutrition, my host saved me here! Everything is going great and I just kind of let the stress of leaving the nutrition at the house roll off my back as it never happened. Faith was strong this morning as I new the Lord was looking out for me! Toe the dock and dive in and the day has begun. Swim and bike go directly as planned, and I'm feeling great for the run then it hits me on mile three. My gait changes and the energy I thought I had doesn't exist! The pace slows, with Sean cheering me on and acting as my coach today I just didn't have it. The run destroyed me, so many things to think about as I lay in the medical tent getting iv's and dealing with the GI stress I had on the run. (Again this is another story that has already been written about)

The thingss to follow were not great, turns out my cuboid in right foot was fractured, so there I had it. I fought to finish a marathon on a broken foot, breaking the foot on the same day my insurance runs out due to the lay off three weeks prior. Now what do I do, I have a broken foot, no job, the race I worked so hard for is over with poor results, and I have no idea on what to think. Truly a lost soul starting out on a new journey, not a way I would like to start one but do we ever get to start off where we want? I have an idea on where I would like to start off when this journey of mine has ended but will it? I'm assuming it will starting off where it did last, however this time its going to be different. I will have to embrace the change for sure no matter what the start line looks like, however I do have this pipedream that I would like to start with...

Going back to Tulsa, Sean and I talk about things and I'm so glad he was there! My life has ben filled with depression and I'm not sure I wanted to be alone for a 12 hour drive back to Tulsa. I get back and do the whole work search and then decide I'm going to move to Louisville where I just raced. I had some help medically there if I were to get back so I did, I move back there for 5-6 months while I rehab my foot, meaning I do nothing and it was nice to have the support I was given there, the financial support, the tender care of a host, however things just were not going like God wanted so I head back to Tulsa where I stay for a week before heading to Colorado Springs, CO to live with an old college baseball friend of mine. His family were kind enough to help me out for a couple of months before they asked me to exit, I'm not sure how to portray that experience. I'm financially struggling by now and really looking for work. I report in on how the search is going and see how they are doing, however they fail to get to know where I was in life. When looking back it was a two way street, my fault for not connecting just as much as his, I hope rekindle this relationship someday as I have always enjoyed him and his family.
Finally landing a job that I will enjoy for a coaching company that coaches triathlon, cycling, running, mountain biking I feel like I'm making a home with things now out west where I have always wanted to live. Things are great, however financially things are still a mess, I try listening to my Mom and just let things be however the stress really is tough to deal with on my own. I think I have done a great job of moving on and trying however things at this new company are starting to show through, the signs of the politics and unfairness that goes on. Little things that employees notice that can cause things to becomed a little unnerving to deal with. I could go on and on, however it would be a waste of time as this can be seen in all companys throughout the United States I'm sure.

Coming off my fractured cuboid, I get back to training and think that when the financial situation changes I'll get back to racing a little as I'm really missing it. Training and racing for me is like my medicine, however over the last couple of years I have been able to balance things. Then swimming one day my left shoulder pops while swimming, I deal with it for a couple weeks thinking all nothing is wrong, however I knew something was drastically wrong as I couldn't do what I wanted with my swimming and rock climbing and it was difficult even to put on a t-shirt in the morning.

So knowing that I need to get it checked out, I do and sure enough a torn labrum and biceps tendon. Great another surgery on the horizon I thought, this would be number eight. Yes with four elbow surguries and three knee surgeris before I knew what I was getting into! The main thing that concerned me yet again was the financial concerns, the insurance with this company was present, however not the best and I knew out of pocket it was going to be a huge hit. Over the last year and half I have sold almost everything I can to stay a float. I was fortunate to rent my house out and landed a great couple the second time around, little stress there with the first tenants as I had to evict them within the first three months. Part of the mortgage covered however most all of my salary at this new company has me at debit out of savings every month just to cover things. So happy I have been able to cover things for this long, with all the support along the way. I am so "Thankful" for all the support through all the people over the last year and half!

With all my items sold I need to find a higher paying job, odds are back into an industry I didn't have much happiness so I continue my search. Contacted by a headhunter for a job in Florida I puruse it, really with little network I have, I call in so many favors from ex-colleagues. After a lot of talk I was able to land the job, however it would mean a 2,200 mile move from the West to the East. Thinking I'm heading the wrong direction and back into an industry I really have no interest in getting back into, however I need the money and the economic conditions are not easy, if I was able to unload my house when I had a contract (loose) on it that would have been great, however they renigged so I still have it.

I make the move, looking in the rearview mirror at the mountains while I head east thinking what am I doing? I'm following money because I need it, however I know I won't be happy. It was a tough decision but every month I was at a deficit, and having an economic mind that triggers stress I need to make a move to downsize even more, and change my stars. After asking more favors from the coaches at a job I really enjoy for help to move, I'm in a sling now, isolated becuase I pulled the trigger on getting my surgery fixed all before I made the decision to take the job. Moving with one good arm to a place where I know noone and hopeing to change my stars. All by becoming a minimilist and saving as much as I can.

I get there and work for 30 days and put up in my mind one of the most "Greediest" person I have ever met in my life. I work without a computer for close to 20 days, using my own when I needed one and get put on a project that requires one. Going to rehab and working 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family was tough, however I was willing to make it work. It wasn't easy being alone, leaving great friends in Colorado Springs and Tulsa behind knowing that I need people in my life.

Things turn for the worse here as I lose this job as the owner wanted me to work close to 65-80 hours a week and I thought I'm not going to kill myself for this guy when it isn't nice at all. So many things happened down there with this job that was out of my control. Sink or swim was his motto, with no mentoring and just basic a whip for motivation I wasn't going to deal with it. I'm a worker and those who know me, know I'll do about anything to get the job done, given I get a little in return. Again, though this guy thought he owned me because he was providing a pay check in one of the most historical of economic conditions, but this is my life were talking about and I'm not willing to give up 80 hours of my week to a man that has no personality besides chasing the almighty dollar!

He lets me go after 30 days of work, stating I wasn't meeting up to his expectations when he could never articulate his expectations clearly, and to be honest he was just upset I think that the company that laid me off in 2008 still owed him money and I used to work for them so what better way to get revenge. I could be wrong, but if I connect the dots looking back I don't get it! My direct supervisor has lunch with me the day before, his first attempt to get to know me, letting me know that I shouldn't worry about anything then the next day I'm out on the Tampa streets again. Having signed a 12 month lease a couple weeks before now I was stuck in Tampa, FL with no job, a few friends, and a gloomy outlook as the economic conditions in Tampa were poor!

I had some more reassing to do now! Look for work and do it with the utmost detail was needed! I put out close to 250 resumes, contact multiple agencies for help finding employment, go to a few interviews and nada! The economic employment conditions after looking for two months are dry as Death Valley. Getting extremely now I really need to make a decision to tough it out or move back with friends and family where I will be taken care of. What to do? I vaccilate for close to two months while looking for work and then pull the plug on Florida moving what I have left to my brothers house in Missouri.

Finally putting the pride aside and accepting help I try to get back on my feet, however knowing I want to go back to school I study for the GRE, with hopes of going back to school in the fall of 2011 I study and study! Missing everything I know, living with my brother and his wonderful family I learn so much, however still having trouble emotionally as I've taken a 180 degree turn, not once but twice now and not sure where to go I start working on lawn crew with an old training partner in Tulsa, knowing I need some type of income to cover little things until something comes along. I work up till the GRE, take the test and decide its time to do something!

So I make the decision I'm going to ride my bike. Why, because it brings me happiness and it allows me to be free! Sitting around being depressed thinking about who to contact for employment, filling out resumes, applications, and just dying inside I make the decision to leave my brothers on my bike with what little I own and find myself. This small piece of written text is just a glimpse into the challenges I have had over the last two years. To tap into the emotional stress, the feeling of lonliness, and financial stress would feel volumes of books for sure.
However, I sit here today in a coffee shop thinking I cannot quit, I must push on! I must continue on this journey God has sent me on! When I left the house, everything that I know didn't matter, it was through my faith and the trust I put in the Lord is how I sit 3,000 miles away from the location I grew up, not sure where to call home right now as I really cannot define "my home". I have been asked by so many where home is, since I have left I just answer "Kansas" since I spent 26 years there I would call that home for sure, however I seek so much more, and since I can remember my Mom has been saying "Head West Young Man - Head West" - I'm North of San Fransisco right now and that's about as west as you can get...

One of my good friends continues to ask me to define my success on this trip and the success changes from day to day as God has his way of directing me towards different thoughts. I have learned so much and will continue to learn I'm for sure about that, I hope this never neds, the learning process. Without I will become stagnant and fail to live in the moment, so I Ill contine to learn and live! Another friend has challenged me to go after what I want and to be honest to have what I want is up to the Lord. I have prayed for many things and I have scene a glimpse of things I desire, however the answer is I don't know what lies ahead.

I have written to what I would like to have but can it happen, will it happen? What I would like to find is the love of my life, which I may have! Employment and the financial support to allow me to finish what I started. I have met people along the journey that could provide this, however will they, is that asking to much within my prayers? To live without the financial concerns to allow me to give all my blessings God has provided to all those I meet? To live with a clean slate, to truly start over with a net positive outlook! I know many many years of hard work are ahead of me and I'm not afraid of this, however with 12 million people out of work right now will employment presents itself to allow for this? I have inspired and motivated so many along this journey with so little financial resources available to me, however what it, what if I can continue to do what I'm doing, can I help millions throughout this short life we have?

Am I living in a pipedream? I think not - for someone to gift me the financial means to make this possible would only be paying it forward in my mind. I'm not driven my material things, or money, however you need money to make a difference. What I think the world needs right now in these times we live in is a story; a story of love, romance, faith, belief, inspiration, motivation, and just hope that there is a way! Not a fiction one, but one that's non-fiction! Am I living it right now, I'll continue to pray as when this journey comes to an end, what do I have to look forward to! I know in a positive light I have millions of things to look forward, however in these troubling times it is tough to see the light sometimes....

I sit here in a coffee shop on my day off thinking and collecting thoughts and I keep wondering am I wrong to want when I should be? Be, and let God take the reigns, he has them however I still have to act. Without action I'll never get going where I'm going, hence why I'm moving around, keeping me from becoming depressed.
On this journey my sister has been digging up family history and I have found out a lot about my fathers side of the family, which puts the missing puzzle pieces together of why my childhood was the way it was, I can't change but I sure can learn from it. I knew that my grandfather killed himself, however I didn't know until this trip that I am supposed to have another uncle. Uncle Bill shot himself when I wasn't thought of, however I was right around the corner. From the small conversations I have had about this, he was a deep thinker, I'm sure affected by his fathers death at a young age. She shot himself in the stomach at the age of 17 in my parents house to die four hours later in the hospital. I'll never know why, I'm sure we will never know however there is a tough life out there and without support from others you never know what people will do...From this my Father lead a life of drugs and alcohol which caused my childhood not to be ideal, but again the only thing I can do is learn from this. I like to think I'll be a great husband and father from all the lessons I have learned, and I truly hope and pray EJ's the one, what a love story this would be! What a story this would be if given the right opportunities and gifts this could be an epic love story, and epic story of adventure and faith, an epic story of life being lived during what one could consider the second "Great Depression"...

Days that I have off the bike are the toughest. Why? Some may ask, but becuase my busy mind slows and I'm not sure where to direct my attention so I think, think, think!