Random Morning...

Last night I received a text from a friend that has read my last 4-5 blogs, after reading they felt the utmost concern for my heart so from here on out I don't plan on writing that much about my personal thoughts. I can contest this morning that all the moments on this trip are special, from receiving mail to all the people I have met, all are truly moments that will never be forgotten. I have no idea on where this journey will take me in life, that was the point of the journey to relinquish all control. Up to about an hour ago I had not read anything I had written, which I wish I still hadn't however the text conversation prompted me too, as their concern made me think, maybe over think...

So the plan going forward, I said plan! Isn't that having control??? I will not mention any names, or abbreviations as I don't want to offend someone that could read this. I don't like putting a governor on things however out of respect for people maybe I should. I don't know now...

The conversation was interesting and left me pretty upset and wanting to quit to be honest and to allaborate might upset someone so in that case maybe I shouldn't share anymore of my desires and wants...

Maybe I'm over thinking things and wanting things a little too much according to them, however thoughts are just that thoughts. With change being the only universal constant I'm not sure how to pursue forward, to share my deepest thoughts on what I would like to have, and again that is "what would like to have!" Everyone in this world desires things, whether that be love, material items or just a hug, capturing my thoughts in the moment on this blog may have upset them I really don't know!

Spending as much time out here on the road alone as I have is tough, somedays I don't know how I do it to be honest! Rest days when i walk around alone and see people together, laughing and having a good time! Yes, I desire this and maybe I'm jealous a little, however to completely be in the moment, how can one avoid those emotions? Are we kidding ourselves if we don't allow all emotions when they are present?

I don't know what to think now, I've had a couple of days off and to be honest I don't like them! Alone, with the body releasing toxins that are not countered by endorphins, just feel miserable... When I get to share moments with people like last weekend I really enjoyed it, maybe I wrote too much about them, I don't know but I do know that I had a great time with her last weekend. So in respect I'll leave it in the past and continue on letting God control things, asking for nothing and seeking nothing, though that is not what my heart desires. Maybe I've scared her off by mentioning how I feel...

The thoughts have entered into my mind of giving up, should I? I'm a fighter so I know I'll push on, however will I continue to share my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions? I used to blog my thoughts a long time ago until something I wrote came across hurtful, when it wasn't supposed too...

Maybe I should quit writing and just do the general blog of updating photos and a line of "I rode from A to B today and it was X" - I'm sure people would love to read that! However would my mind be clear of all the thoughts I have, I could always write and not publish the post - however that would be going against my desires to write it as Raw as possible...

So what do I do? Give up the search - many have asked what I'm searching for and I have written about this just haven't published it yet, I will soon though! I'll have to go back to my quote "be anxious for no things, but in all things give thanks" - so I'll stop my pursuit and see what happens. (Was this the advice my friend had for me?)

So for now, I'll leave it with I'm not sure where anything goes and I'll have to find some updrafts on the road as I feel really upset this morning and not wanting to ride. Maybe an updraft will come through today in an email, a text, a person I encounter as I need a few - 95% of the time I'm positive, very positive person, but I'm human so 5% I can come across negative - probably because I too am dealing with some difficult times...

I'm pushing off today from Fairfax, CA to LA and then catch that flight from San Diego - where will this journey take me next? I have some places I would like to end up, however again I will keep close to my heart as its my heart my friends are concerned about I'm pretty sure...